Wisecracks - Part 1

I have often come across many wisecracks and one-liners at many blog posts and thought of contributing my tuppence worth also...

So here's Part 1 of my collection of Gags, Wisecracks and Witticisms. Hope you enjoy them, I sure did, putting it together.

1. He got a letter from his estranged wife.. "Hi Ed, I missed you yesterday. Come back home again, and let me have another shot. Love, Erma."

2. While out with the car one day, she ran across a few old friends...may they rest in peace!

3. Scotch is a wonderful drink. It not only makes you see double, it makes you feel single!

4. Signboard in a shop..."God help those who help themselves"

5. Mr. Smith finally had his wife crawling on her hands and knees last night. She kept shouting, "Come out from under that bed, you coward!"

6. She hated when he referred to her as his 'awfully wedded wife.'

7. She married a Sailor, because she wanted to have children and rear admirals.

8. The difference between a smart girl and a good-looking girl: one has to make up her mind, the other has to mind her make-up.

9. The theatre critc, while writing a review: "I can't remember the author's name, but his farce is familiar."

10. There's a new Directory being compiled in Hollywood, it's going to be named, "Who's Whose."

11. The first thing a pilot learns to control is ... the air hostess!

12. She always wears a faint perfume. One sniff - and you'll faint.

13. A fool and his money are soon parted .. but boy, what memories!

14. A diamond can cut through the hardest metal, and it's not too bad for softening women, either.

15. Liquor improves with age, the older you get the more you like it.

16. At breakfast the priest told the General's pretty wife, who was unwell, "I was praying for you last night." She batted he eyelids and replied, "You silly man...all you had to do was call!"

17. This country is full of willing people. Just a few willing to work .. and the rest willing to let them.

18. The best time to visit Paris is .. between your 18th and 25th birthday!

19. Joe and his fiancee are always together. They're what you call, insufferable.

20. Her brother said, "I remember when we were kids, my sister used to play with dolls and I used to play with soldiers. Now we're all grown up and things are reversed.."

More later...

Let me know which ones you liked best :)

My latest Fav Music Video

Just saw 'I wanna be a Rockstar" by Nickelback.

Great video!

Enjoy, here's the link on Youtube!

... and well, if you like to singalong (like I do),
here are the lyrics!


I'm through with standing in line
to the clubs i'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
quite the way I want it to be

(tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough for ten plus me

(yeah,so what you need)

I'll need a, a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet

(Been there done that)

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between cher and
James Dean is fine for me

(So how ya gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blonde hair
and well..
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up a**holes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free

(I have a quesadilla... on the house)

I'm gonna dress my a**
with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me

(So how ya gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary in today's who's who
We'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial
well..
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills from a pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip sync 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rockstars
Live in hilltop houses drivin 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary in today's who's who
We'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial
well..
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

62nd I-Day after 61 years, right?

Every time there is a festival or an occasion and we have a barrage of emails/sms-es that we are 'spammed' with (by the way, should we still call it 'spam' - when we're bombarded with unwanted and unwarranted sms-es??)

In fact, this year, instead of being a mute spectator and at the the 'receiving end'; I decided to initiate a message and 'spam' everyone else.

Here's what I sent out...

"Have we really built the country that people died for 61 years back? If NOT what are YOU doing about it? Let's not stop at 'Good' and go for .. 'Great'! Don't just read this SMS & stop...DO
something!!.. & well, a Happy Independence Day, anyway! - Sandeep Ohri"

I was attending my kids' school function when this came to mind and it took me less than a minute to come up with this and send it out.

Within seconds I received a response (make that responses) I thought it may be a good idea to just document these - after all a blogpost will survive a lot more than the stored sms on my cell.

I have reproduced them here (in toto, typos and all) and since most of the co-spammers are my friends, their identities have been protected...

1. Dis is sumthng u hav written?

2. :) Bhes badla par des kab badlayenge. Happy Independence Day.

3.'Falak ki zid hai jaha bijliyan girane ke, hamein bhi zid hai waheen ashiyana baanane kee'. Fight against terrorism. HAPPY 61TH INDEPENDENCE DAY JAI HIND.

4. This day reminds of the liberty for all that still eludes. Let's keep doing our bit to assert our liberty. We shall overcome.

5. Freedom in the Mind. Faith in the words.. Pride in our Hearts and memories in our Souls..Let's salute the nation on 61st Independence Day! Vande Mataram.

6. Thank you and wish you happy indipendence day. Give me a call,will join you for a good cause. Regds.

7. No more words. :-):-) let our works speak. :-). You are absolutely right.

Go on .. feel free to add some more..I know you are dying to :)

And just for the record, its our 62nd Independence Day after completing 61 years of independence.. do the maths. Last night, Sagarika Ghosh on CNN-IBN very boldly stated it is the 61st independence Day .. while the scroll at the bottom of her screen said, 'nation celebrates 62nd Independence Day".

I began to wonder whether I had committed a faux pas in my morning sms, so I sat back and did the calculations. 15-8-1947 was our 1st I-Day, then on 15-8-1948 we had our 2nd I-Day after completing the 1st year ..and so on... Therefore, on 15-8-2008 we are celebrating our 62nd I-Day after completing 61 years...right?

Well, 61st or 62nd, the fact remains, what have we really achieved? Have we really done justice to the efforts of those who actually DIED for this?? Think, just think... what were they thinking of when they actually took a bullet for the country's freedom? ..what was the thought in their minds and in their heads, when they gasped their final breath?

I was in dual minds when I heard the children at the school make the (mandatory?) laudatory speeches in English, Hindi, Marathi & Sanskrit, extolling our nation's achievements (incl our latest poster boy, Abhinav Bindra).

I realised, I had done the same when I was in school - and actually believed that our country had been progressing at a fast pace. But as the age of innocence gave way to age of disillusion and then the age of reasoning and now the age of understanding, I really wonder whether we should 'fix' this or not.

Should those children have been corrected and told that we are a nation suffering far more ills than our achievements? Should their 'bubble' be burst? Should we take away their zeal and their
innocence? Should we tell them about the harsh realities that they are going to face as soon as they step out of their cocooned comfort zone? Should we tell them about the big-bad-world of politicians and underworld dons and how they muscle their way around?

Or should we let them hang onto their dreams of a resurgent India, the India that has produced the likes of ...Rabindranath Tagore, Sachin Tendulkar, Kalpana Chawla, Sunita Williams (?), Abhinav Bindra, Subhash Chandra Bose, Nehru, Sardar Patel (notice how the post-Independence ones are mostly non-political?)

Woke up at 6am and started typing... I am still in a dilemma .. and just can't stop thinking of it!