Wisecracks - Part 2

I got very encouraging feedback to Part 1 .. so here is the sequel .. I hope it doesn't flop (like most sequels do!)

1. It is proven that children hold a marriage together, while tearing the house apart.

2. She serves him blended coffee - yesterday's and today's.

3. Girl to boy, "You remember our last date? Well ...that's what it was!"

4. My Doctor said I needed a complete change .. so I changed the Doctor.

5. I have read so much about the bad effects of drinking, that I gave up reading.

6. It takes a lot of experience ... for a girl to kiss like a beginner ;)

7. Some movies would be better if they ... shot less footage ...and more actors.

8. Today, the pianist is going to play like he never played before .. in tune!

9. One kid to another, "See I told you, tomatoes don't bounce."

10. Its funny how most girls wait until the kiss is over ... before they slap the man's face.

11. One friend to another, "I heard you applied for a government job. What are you doing now?" Reply, "Now? .. Nothing .. I got the job!"

12. Overheard at a bus stop..."I heard your sister got married. Who's the lucky man?" Pat came the reply, "My father!"

13. In the gym..."I heard your wife is on an onion diet. Did she LOSE anything?" Husband..."Yes, 5 kgs and 4 friends."

14. Girl to boy: "Do you believe in Hate at first sight?"

15. I heard you like to travel, so ... why don't you?

16. If you ever need me, please DO hesitate to call!

17. A Fine is a Tax for doing wrong. A Tax is Fine for doing well!

18. Before marriage .... a girl has to kiss her man to hold him; after marriage ... she has to hold him to kiss him.

19. I was trying to get a new car for my wife; but nobody had such an exchange offer.

20. She hates me so much, she made me a birthday cake and put the candles INSIDE it.

Let me know which ones you liked best :) .. and there may even be a Part 3 ...ok .. ok .. I'll stop ... I can already hear the groans ;)

snohri2004@yahoo.co.in

Wisecracks - Part 1

I have often come across many wisecracks and one-liners at many blog posts and thought of contributing my tuppence worth also...

So here's Part 1 of my collection of Gags, Wisecracks and Witticisms. Hope you enjoy them, I sure did, putting it together.

1. He got a letter from his estranged wife.. "Hi Ed, I missed you yesterday. Come back home again, and let me have another shot. Love, Erma."

2. While out with the car one day, she ran across a few old friends...may they rest in peace!

3. Scotch is a wonderful drink. It not only makes you see double, it makes you feel single!

4. Signboard in a shop..."God help those who help themselves"

5. Mr. Smith finally had his wife crawling on her hands and knees last night. She kept shouting, "Come out from under that bed, you coward!"

6. She hated when he referred to her as his 'awfully wedded wife.'

7. She married a Sailor, because she wanted to have children and rear admirals.

8. The difference between a smart girl and a good-looking girl: one has to make up her mind, the other has to mind her make-up.

9. The theatre critc, while writing a review: "I can't remember the author's name, but his farce is familiar."

10. There's a new Directory being compiled in Hollywood, it's going to be named, "Who's Whose."

11. The first thing a pilot learns to control is ... the air hostess!

12. She always wears a faint perfume. One sniff - and you'll faint.

13. A fool and his money are soon parted .. but boy, what memories!

14. A diamond can cut through the hardest metal, and it's not too bad for softening women, either.

15. Liquor improves with age, the older you get the more you like it.

16. At breakfast the priest told the General's pretty wife, who was unwell, "I was praying for you last night." She batted he eyelids and replied, "You silly man...all you had to do was call!"

17. This country is full of willing people. Just a few willing to work .. and the rest willing to let them.

18. The best time to visit Paris is .. between your 18th and 25th birthday!

19. Joe and his fiancee are always together. They're what you call, insufferable.

20. Her brother said, "I remember when we were kids, my sister used to play with dolls and I used to play with soldiers. Now we're all grown up and things are reversed.."

More later...

Let me know which ones you liked best :)